Author Archives: Jud

Zombies Teach CPR

The Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada has put together an amazing video during which zombies demonstrate CPR basics.  It is important that all zombies know how to revive a human suffering from cardiac arrest.  As the video informs, dead humans don’t make for a tasty meal.  Zombies prefer their food alive and wriggling.

– Jud, the zombie

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Jud’s 30-Second Vlog Reviews ‘The Walking Dead’ Season 2

As many of you are aware, I occasionally video blog on YouTube.  Each of my “vlogs” are roughly 30 seconds long because anything worth discussing isn’t worth talking about for more than 30 seconds.  Also, the zombie attention span is rather low.

Seeing as how the third season of AMC’s The Walking Dead is only one month away from its debut; I thought it would be appropriate to share my thoughts on the television series second season.  Spoilers and such forthcoming.  Check out my video review below.  Here’s a preview:  I am a fan of any show where you’re rooting for the zombies to eat the main cast members!

– Jud

[a zombie column]

 

The views expressed by Jud do not necessarily represent the views of Bunker Life or of any other individual associated with Haiku of the Dead Productions.

Jud vs. The Living IX: Zombie Economy

Soooo….a Zombie Apocalypse Store with knives, swords, zombie targets, etc, etc has opened its doors in Las Vegas.  When are people going to release that this whole zombocalypse survival thing is just a fad?  Eventually, you will become a zombie.  It’s a fact.  Consult any zombie movie.  SO all you business owners out there, the stores you actually NEED to be opening are ZOMBIE supply stores.  The zombie population is growing everyday, and we need a place to shop too.  Potential products for zombies: long-lasting walking shoes, protective headgear, ultra-adhesive glue for wound repair, breath mints.  I would really like some armored gloves with razor-sharp claws.  They would make getting a rib cage open a lot easier.  A store for zombies is a great idea, and if I haven’t convinced you yet, check out the sales pitch in my latest vlog entry.  Also, when these stores open, I should receive a considerable discount for coming up with the idea.

– Jud

[a zombie column]

Jud vs. The Living VIII: The Holidays

It is not the most wonderful time of the year…specifically for zombies.  Dropping temperatures freeze our rotten innards solid.  Fingers and toes break off from frost bite.  And once the shopping frenzies subside, people generally stay indoors, and we’re left alone in the streets.  How can you help zombies survive this horrible winter season?  By giving them gifts of course!  (It works for everyone else.)  Not sure what to give a zombie?  Then check out my latest 30-second vlog.  I share the secret of the perfect zombie present.  Happy Holidays.  – Jud

 

[a zombie column]

Jud vs. The Living VII: Zombies Vs. Vampires – ‘Deadliest Warrior’ Results

Last night, Deadliest Warrior on SPIKE TV pitted zombies against vampires in a test to prove which are the ultimate warriors.  Quick summary: they had a horde of zombies attack a few vampires in a warehouse.  The vampires slaughtered all the zombies while the zombies managed to take a couple of the vampires out.  The vampires were declared the ultimate victors, but the sole surviving vampire was infected with the zombie plague (and turned into a zompire?); therefore, the zombies kinda won too.

Let me point out the ridiculousness of this all.  A vampire would never bite a zombie.  They hate old, dead blood.  AND a zombie would never attack (or “chomp”) a vampire!  We’re not attracted to cold, undead flesh.  That being said, I could see the occasional vampire/zombie skirmish occurring, seeing as how we share a food source.  The important thing to remember is that zombies never stop attacking, never stop adding to our numbers, and never tire of the chase.  If a vampire were to attract the attention of a zombie hoard, the hoard would attack the vampire until daybreak, follow it to its coffin, and eat its heart while it slept.

– Jud

[a zombie column]

Zombies 101…FOR ZOMBIES!

Bunker Life’s series of ZOMBIES 101 instructional videos have been decidedly pro-human.  Well, now it’s time for a zombie to offer up undead strategies for “living” in the zombie apocalypse.  Humans beware!  Jud the zombie presents: Zombies 101…FOR ZOMBIES!

– Jud

Jud vs. The Living VI: Summer Vacation

Summer is here, and it’s time to take a break from the daily grind and get out of town!  No one loves to travel more than a zombie.  We love congregating in new places, taking walking tours, and discovering new and exotic cuisine.  I’ve got a specific vacation recommendation for all of you traveling zombies: the UK.  More specifically, you should visit the city of Leicester in England.  Leicester is a large city (pop. 300,000) with plenty to see and do, including the largest covered outdoor market in Europe–a great place to grab a bite!  Leicester also has relatively mild weather, so the living dead don’t need to worry about their parts freezing solid or melting off.  Most importantly, the Leicester city council recently admitted that the city is absolutely unprepared for a zombie uprising.  One of the city’s citizens wrote to the council asking what preparations were in place in the event of an undead invasion.  The council was forced to admit that there are no provisions in the city’s emergency plan for such an event.  Sounds like a GREAT place for any zombie to visit (or stay)!  With the United States’ Centers for Disease Control and Prevention already preparing for zombie apocalypse, it is important that the living dead find safe and friendly places to vacation this summer.

– Jud

UPDATE:  A place zombies should NOT visit.

[a zombie column]